2011年8月26日星期五
I feel tired
Today as usual I feel tired. I played piano for a while to keep myself being peaceful. I tried my best to understand my mom but sometimes she is driving me crazy. I understand that there is a huge gap between us and sadly I realized that at some point it's actually better to keep a distance, not to irritate her. I know that I inherited the stubbornness from her, but still it makes me feel uneasy to try convince her that- the world is larger than she thinks. She would say something to make me feel guilty but I know she didn't mean it. It drives me crazy when she doesn't admit her wrong doings. There is some absolute correctness in things I believe, but she just refuses to give it a thought. Ah, stubbornness. I feel so helpless. Maybe I should try let her read.
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I think the love-hate relationship with mom and daughter is universal. But how can you not love mom?
回复删除http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4q05resEvc&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThxeS2MWM7c
I was really happy to see Mom. I was surprised that her physical health was much better than I thought. We went out to the beach together. The sea breeze was so fresh, the scenery so beautiful, with the family together (finally), I was thinking, ah, I am going to imprint this scene in my head so that I will keep it forever with me. Her slow gaze over my playful son is so contented. I waited for this moment so long. Will I be able to see you again before you leave me forever?
回复删除After I came back home, my Mother-in-law said that my Mom is lucky that she has my sister taking care of her, as there are so many old people who live alone in living facilities for elders. I did not answer. Does she really have her luck?
My mom is another pain point in my life. She probably already died on the day my brother died. I thought I would try to live harder so that I could live the portion of life my brother left behind. Then Mom would not feel too empty. But in reality, heavy-laden, I was completely lost in my own world, too. I couldn’t even live my share of life.
Then I left her to study abroad. Then I decided to marry a woman, who did not like my family, and she liked my mom the least. That… That was the biggest mistake I made in my life in the name of love. To accomplish my selfish love, I sacrificed my mother’s unconditional love.
Mom, please hang onto this thin string of memory we just created together, as it is the only new, worthwhile thing that connects you and me right now. I am so sorry that I came back to you too late. I am so sorry that I cannot even say I regret it. I cannot say I regret it because I was so intentional. I had to make choices, and every single time I chose to sacrifice you. I did it because you would understand me and support me no matter what I would do. And you did. So I thank you and I am sorry for you. I am so sorry that I even forgot my own brother for such a long time. When I finally remembered him again, I wept throughout the night thinking about you and him.
Our visit might be the last one. Hopefully I could make another visit soon. Please stay healthy. If there is such thing as another life and if we can meet again as Mother and son, I wish I could live that life for you, only for you, so that I can make up for your heart that I broke so many times. Love you, Mom.
You made me sigh…So many kids are away from parents when they are still young, and decide not to come back, for various reasons. Maybe they couldn’t stand their parents talkative style, maybe it was the poor home and living standard, maybe it was other reasons, like yours. Why we always consider other things ahead of the parents? Like you said, “I did it because you would understand me and support me no matter what I would do.” That is exactly why. The unconditional love is so precious and yet it always ranks the last in the importance because it’s unconditional – no matter what you do, the love is still there. It is when we lose it, we feel the pain and preciousness of it – how pathetic is that! But it’s human nature, I guess, to seek out for more challenging lives and loves.
回复删除Do parents feel hurt? If so, if it is destined to be so - what is the purpose of being a parent? You pour your love on the little life and make it grow stronger and more vigorous. Only that one day you know the little life will be flying away like a kite and it flies so high in the sky that you barely see it. Would you still hold on to the string tightly? Or would you let it go and hope that it will come visit back often? That is sad. But again, I think it is human nature to feed and breed the offspring. That is the way nature works. Without being a parent your life is not complete –it makes me think that everything has a law behind it, it’s just that I don’t know what that law is exactly.
Speaking of nature recently I watched a movie called Chimpanzee. I was amazed by how similar chimps are to the humans. I saw love, the unconditional love between mom and child. I was moved.
I used to explain things using my own logic, but it just becomes out of my capability. Sometimes I want to be really close to my mom, but sometimes when I picture myself being with her all the time I feel upset – she is too stubborn in her own way. What is a safe distance? I still don’t know. In the course of my life I will find out.