Very soon a good friend of mine will be leaving me to live in the east coast. I can still tell how I handle this is very similar to what I did before - which was I didn't realize the fact until afterwards. By saying realizing the fact, I meant spending time thinking what it would meant to me. It feels - surreal. I have had that experience several times already. I keep going on with my daily life, try not to think about it, until it is already too late.
I still remember how sad I was when I was parted with my ex-boyfriend. I cried the whole way after I have said goodbye to him and boarded a bus. I cried for several days in a roll. But I didn't feel too sad when I was still with him, though I knew back then that we would be parted soon, as I would go to US for study. The same thing happened again with my best friends in college. We hugged goodbye, without feeling too sad. Then one day later on a train back to my hometown I missed them like crazy.
Why do I have to do such a thing EVERYTIME?
I think the reason is, I don't like to be sad anymore and break my heart anymore. I know the feeling too well that it's almost like a electrical shock - once you've tasted it, you don't really want to step into it again. So I try not to be sad.
I have good reasons to be sad but my mind stops me from being sad - it detects the mood and rapidly changes the topic. How strange is that?
Then, let me say goodbye in this virtual world then. I know I try to play cool and you try to play cool too. It's hard to describe the friendship - trust, encouragement, though sometimes helplessly. Today you told me to face the fact that I will eventually choose to stay in the US. That's the only advice you gave me - you used to say I was stubborn, workaholic. But I guess none of them is important anymore, in front of parting. Well, it's a process and I admit that sometimes you are right. You helped me to be me, helped in my small and big decisions - though not every time I listen to you. But I cherish the friendship and the frankness that belongs to it. I wish you the best in your future journey. I wish we can all find the answers to our questions, one day.
