Very soon a good friend of mine will be leaving me to live in the east coast. I can still tell how I handle this is very similar to what I did before - which was I didn't realize the fact until afterwards. By saying realizing the fact, I meant spending time thinking what it would meant to me. It feels - surreal. I have had that experience several times already. I keep going on with my daily life, try not to think about it, until it is already too late.
I still remember how sad I was when I was parted with my ex-boyfriend. I cried the whole way after I have said goodbye to him and boarded a bus. I cried for several days in a roll. But I didn't feel too sad when I was still with him, though I knew back then that we would be parted soon, as I would go to US for study. The same thing happened again with my best friends in college. We hugged goodbye, without feeling too sad. Then one day later on a train back to my hometown I missed them like crazy.
Why do I have to do such a thing EVERYTIME?
I think the reason is, I don't like to be sad anymore and break my heart anymore. I know the feeling too well that it's almost like a electrical shock - once you've tasted it, you don't really want to step into it again. So I try not to be sad.
I have good reasons to be sad but my mind stops me from being sad - it detects the mood and rapidly changes the topic. How strange is that?
Then, let me say goodbye in this virtual world then. I know I try to play cool and you try to play cool too. It's hard to describe the friendship - trust, encouragement, though sometimes helplessly. Today you told me to face the fact that I will eventually choose to stay in the US. That's the only advice you gave me - you used to say I was stubborn, workaholic. But I guess none of them is important anymore, in front of parting. Well, it's a process and I admit that sometimes you are right. You helped me to be me, helped in my small and big decisions - though not every time I listen to you. But I cherish the friendship and the frankness that belongs to it. I wish you the best in your future journey. I wish we can all find the answers to our questions, one day.
I am sorry to hear that, kiddo. If I think about my own experience, I don't really have warm stories that will make you feel better right now. I still don’t know whether we made the right decision or not, but my wife and I decided not to expose our son to our friends and acquaintances after we learned of his conditions. Naturally, we lost our friends one by one until almost no one left. Sometimes I miss my old friends very, very much, but I am afraid how much vulnerable I would become as I build friendship again. What a wrong and pathetic situation one can be in.
回复删除I know that you would need to go through your fair share of sadness in times like this. I will be around, though. Let me know if I can be of any help.
I have to admit that your own tears and the tears of your closest friends became a priceless gift to me, as I would have never been able to meet you without those tears. Even today, the very fact that you became the kind of friend to me now is so surreal that I still feel weird and uncomfortable. I feel so bad that I am the one who benefits most from our friendship. All I can do for you is to appreciate your existence. And maybe a small gift here and there. I appreciate so much for that few hours a week of eating lunch together and chatting and talking…
I am sad because you are sad, yet I am happy because you are not the one who is leaving, if someone must leave. Am I too selfish…
Have you heard of this song? Let me send this song for you tonight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTcHT4zpAGs
Some random thoughts about my friends.
回复删除When my Japanese friend told me that she was leaving for Taiwan, I was very disappointed and upset. She was the first friend who I opened up again and started to talk about my personal side of stories, probably since my college years. I did not want to lose her, even though up to that point we communicated mostly via e-mails. For over several months, I never met her after the class was over.
I asked her to meet me before she leaves. She kept saying that she wanted to meet me but she could not make time. I disappointedly thought she didn’t really want to see me. Just the day before she was leaving, I ended up going to her apartment, because I decided to buy one of the furniture pieces she wanted to sell. After I disassembled that furniture and put the pieces in my car, she came with me to my car. She was quietly standing right next to me. I acted cool and just said, “goodbye” and waved my hand at her, as if I was going to see her tomorrow, then jumped into the car. I looked at her in my rear view mirror as I was driving away. She was getting further away, but she was still standing there.
She sent me an e-mail that night, saying she was sorry that she could not do anything for me. It was not that she did not want to see me, but she indeed was too tired and too busy packing and did not have a time to spare for me! That moment, I had a rush of regret running through my heart. I should have given her a goodbye hug or a kiss! I felt so sorry that the only thing I did was saying a cold goodbye.
However, the biggest regret came when I learned that she went back to Japan on the day the big earthquake hit the country. Without knowing it, I was simply hoping that her family in Japan were safe, but she soon replied me back saying that she actually arrived at her Dad’s house, only hours before the quake! She was with her new born baby and was extremely scared. So was I! I sent her calming e-mails every day until she was able to go back to Taiwan. We became much closer thanks to that, however, my regret that I did not do anything on the day she left me grew bigger and bigger. It could have been the last time I would ever see her. Later I told her, when I see you next time I will hug you and kiss you for 10 minutes. Then I think I will clearly remember her face until the day I die.
Unfortunately, because she has a family and I have a family to take care of, it proved to be not easy to make an opportunity to meet each other. I really wanted to go to Taiwan while I visited Fuzhou but I couldn’t. She planned to visit Irvine last February with her son but she had to cancel it. Now her husband wants to come with her too when she will visit here. I hope she will somehow be back to Japan while I am there soon, but then I will have my family with me. I can’t add Taiwan in my itinerary, it’s too much…
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回复删除I was thinking about why I did not have many friends during my grad school years, after I had a hard time coming up with the reasons while I was talking with you. I told you that the couples were much older than us and that those with my age were all singles so we did not get along much… Then I suddenly remember the real reason, which, again I had forgotten for a long time. It is wondrous to see how the human brain selectively forgets certain things to handle our emotions and to sustain our well being. We were at that time having our first baby, but it was an ordeal, a greatly painful one, especially for my wife. Failure after failure, we went deeper and deeper in depression. Every single time we heard that a couple had a conception, my wife refused to see them. We couldn’t congratulate them. That way, we slowly lost my friends one by one. When the life became too hard, being with other single friends was not pleasant, either. So, that’s what happened. It was especially hard, when one of my best friends finally had a baby and we no longer could see them…
Do you know this feeling, when this kind of painful, painful memories comes back alive suddenly? The pain is real enough that I sighed, “ahhh…” and realized that my hand was already on my chest unconsciously.
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I’ve always been trying to think of you as a kid, so that I could express my affection without making you feel too uncomfortable. Of course, I just can’t deny that you are not a kid. I think it is time to say goodbye to my little girl. When you come back from your short trip, I will welcome a young lady instead.