Today is busy and rough. After work when I was finally home I didn't even feel relaxed. I haven't been cooking much recently. Maybe its really time for me to find a new place to stay? But I'm afraid that if I do find another place I will be sinking into the complete solitude and not being able to get out. I spent the rest of the night writing my daily blog - I have been writing for 54 days now - and I suddenly feel sad. I was writing how nowadays people like to connect with each other and know what other people are doing everyday. It's like in sophie's world they have this saying about a magician makes a rabbit out of his hat. We are at the bottom of the fur of the rabbit. Rather comfortably we are staying there not thinking to climb up the fur to see how the magician is like. We care about too little pieces of trivial information that we lose the whole picture.
Irefuse to be like that. I refuse to report to the world what I'm doing every moment and I refuse to sink into the daily trivial bits of news and feeds and tweets and all. I need to unplug, whenever I want to. But why is that hard? Why do people, the silly powerless people want to be like the rest of the world, want to...blend in?
I'm furious and helpless and sleepy now. I thought of something my friend said to me today. He said that if I want to travel I should go for any grad school. Am I wasting my time trying to explain what I want? Am I a dreamer? Am I too of a perfectionist that I lose my purpose?
All I want to say is that I am tired of my life. The aspect that I'm so contradictory to myself. I want to be normal - satisfy with my daily life, with my food with my work with little chats with news on the web. But the moment I'm close enough I repel and refuse and shout out loud furiously like what I'm doing now.
Ugh.................
I have a feeling that unless something significant changes, it will bother me for at least a few years. I want to fast forward and see what I have become.
