Today is busy and rough. After work when I was finally home I didn't even feel relaxed. I haven't been cooking much recently. Maybe its really time for me to find a new place to stay? But I'm afraid that if I do find another place I will be sinking into the complete solitude and not being able to get out. I spent the rest of the night writing my daily blog - I have been writing for 54 days now - and I suddenly feel sad. I was writing how nowadays people like to connect with each other and know what other people are doing everyday. It's like in sophie's world they have this saying about a magician makes a rabbit out of his hat. We are at the bottom of the fur of the rabbit. Rather comfortably we are staying there not thinking to climb up the fur to see how the magician is like. We care about too little pieces of trivial information that we lose the whole picture.
Irefuse to be like that. I refuse to report to the world what I'm doing every moment and I refuse to sink into the daily trivial bits of news and feeds and tweets and all. I need to unplug, whenever I want to. But why is that hard? Why do people, the silly powerless people want to be like the rest of the world, want to...blend in?
I'm furious and helpless and sleepy now. I thought of something my friend said to me today. He said that if I want to travel I should go for any grad school. Am I wasting my time trying to explain what I want? Am I a dreamer? Am I too of a perfectionist that I lose my purpose?
All I want to say is that I am tired of my life. The aspect that I'm so contradictory to myself. I want to be normal - satisfy with my daily life, with my food with my work with little chats with news on the web. But the moment I'm close enough I repel and refuse and shout out loud furiously like what I'm doing now.
Ugh.................
I have a feeling that unless something significant changes, it will bother me for at least a few years. I want to fast forward and see what I have become.
From the little glimpse of your life I see and what I hear from you, your life sounds perfectly normal. Or maybe too normal. Are you longing for assimilation to ordinary people, and something deep and meaningful at the same time? It seems you have good friends around you (even though some of them are far away), but you still feel lonely and disturbed at times. Everyone is afraid of being lonely, yet feared of getting hurt or rejected when she tries to have deeper connection with other people.
回复删除I’m trying to reckon what bothers you so much. To me, you must be one of those who must be happy all the time. You have warmth towards the world, and your life has been always easy and nice. That’s probably why you feel something lacks, precisely because your life is so ordinary.
The daily life is too insignificant and trivial for your profound mind. You are seeking enlightening solitude yet you will not find one without feeling deserted, which you fear a lot. I understand your frustration, but sorry, I don’t know how I can help you.
After the long suffering years, the moment I find my peace and comfort was seemingly trivial. One day, I just found out that something had changed in me. I tried to remember and chronicled what had happened to me and what had caused that change, but I just couldn’t. All I can say is that it had something to do with you.
Remember? A few coins or giving a name was all it took could change that little girl’s at the Geisha house and the slave girl’s life completely forever. For many people, though, something like a near death experience or a natural disaster is required to break away from mundane life and start contemplating deeper meanings about life.
I don’t think I could have changed that much and found much comfort from you, or from anyone else, if my life has been like other people’s. My scars will never disappear, though. With these scars all over my body and soul, it is difficult for me to live like ordinary people.
I wanted to be life other people, yearning for a simpler life. I wanted to be different from them, seeking deeper meanings. I am still contradictory too, but I don’t feel as frustrated as you, because I now have a source of great comfort. Your frustration is a good thing, though. You are young, you need to enjoy and experience your life more.
I think you know this song already, but I picked this beautiful one for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss0kFNUP4P4