Ugh...

Today is busy and rough. After work when I was finally home I didn't even feel relaxed. I haven't been cooking much recently. Maybe its really time for me to find a new place to stay? But I'm afraid that if I do find another place I will be sinking into the complete solitude and not being able to get out. I spent the rest of the night writing my daily blog - I have been writing for 54 days now - and I suddenly feel sad. I was writing how nowadays people like to connect with each other and know what other people are doing everyday. It's like in sophie's world they have this saying about a magician makes a rabbit out of his hat. We are at the bottom of the fur of the rabbit. Rather comfortably we are staying there not thinking to climb up the fur to see how the magician is like. We care about too little pieces of trivial information that we lose the whole picture.

Irefuse to be like that. I refuse to report to the world what I'm doing every moment and I refuse to sink into the daily trivial bits of news and feeds and tweets and all. I need to unplug, whenever I want to. But why is that hard? Why do people,  the silly powerless people want to be like the rest of the world,  want to...blend in?

I'm furious and helpless and sleepy now. I thought of something my friend said to me today. He said that if I want to travel I should go for any grad school. Am I wasting my time trying to explain what I want? Am I a dreamer? Am I too of a perfectionist that I lose my purpose? 

All I want to say is that I am tired of my life. The aspect that I'm so contradictory to myself. I want to be normal - satisfy with my daily life, with my food with my work with little chats with news on the web. But the moment I'm close enough I repel and refuse and shout out loud furiously like what I'm doing now.

Ugh.................

I have a feeling that unless something significant changes, it will bother me for at least a few years. I want to fast forward and see what I have become. 

A place called Home

Baby Girl and Mom

2012 Mother's day

The girl and the dog

Projects

I bought a camera last weekend. So I told my mom, and she said: Take a picture per day and send to me, would you?

I thought it for a while and agreed. I hope I will be able to take the camera out more, and take more photos. Sometimes it's just joyous to watch the beauty of the nature, but I always hate it when I'm not able to capture it with my camera. I think I need to learn, little by little.

I also started a project called a hundred days. Each day I would write an article about my thoughts, my stories and stories I heard. I want to see if I can do it - 100 is not a small number and the perseverance is what I'm looking for. For now I'm writing in Chinese as my capability to express my feelings in English is still limited. I hope I could also improve my English :)

To discover the beauty of life, and to record it. That's the goal of these projects...

Parks. Day 1 and Day 2

 

Random stuff

I was trying Pandora yesterday and I had to say that I loved it. I started with Yiruma (I thought they didn't have Joe Hisaishi, but I just found it!) and the music it recommended was all good. I always thought Pandora had only pop and loud music. This is so nice that I could find a lot more music that I like! It's a pity though I could only use it thru wi-fi... But I guess it's ok, I'm home a lot.

I went to Death Valley recently with two friends. I felt I was back to college days again when I could travel freely without worrying too much. I felt the confusion each of us had, towards the unknown future, towards life, career, study and love. I felt I was not alone. Maybe I should go out more. But I have few friends near me that have time to travel with me! I guess I should try traveling alone :p

I've been reading existentialism recently, and I was digging out a blog post my friend and I wrote three years ago about the meaning of life. I could tell we are still confused about our lives, but now we both have a different view. He used to think there was an ultimate meaning of life for human being - god didn't create human being for nothing, they have to accomplish a goal or something, and he was trying to find that goal. I used to think the ultimate goal was to become true, kind and beautiful. I wrote again under that post, saying I'm still confused but I think I have better understanding of the world now. He replied that he now thought life didn't have a meaning, and we were born for nothing - we should find happiness and enjoy the happiness in our lives. He said he almost didn't know what his dream was any more. I felt so sad reading it that I almost cried. So I replied more and we started to discuss the Sisyphus pushing up a stone everyday for what. I think we both agreed that life is meaningless up to now. I just don't know what is happiness. I thought he meant eat sleep and stop thinking, which I couldn't accept. Then he said it could be anything that makes you happy, simple things, nature, emotions or thinking. Now I feel better - I even feel that he is right. For me, maybe, thinking makes me happy. Finding the meaning of life (Or rather, putting a meaning on this meaningless life) is a happy deed for me - that is something that makes my Sisyphus happy everyday pushing up the stone, rather than feeling miserable and hopeless. Hope. Ah, hope. I almost forget this word. I still have hope, at least now. I don't know what I'm hoping for, what I still believe in this world, in our lives, in the surprises and touching moment they bring us. Like what Andy said in Shawshank Redemption, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.

So I shall keep the hope and try to be happy more, to make this meaningless life not a punishment but a enjoyable journey.