I went to Death Valley recently with two friends. I felt I was back to college days again when I could travel freely without worrying too much. I felt the confusion each of us had, towards the unknown future, towards life, career, study and love. I felt I was not alone. Maybe I should go out more. But I have few friends near me that have time to travel with me! I guess I should try traveling alone :p
I've been reading existentialism recently, and I was digging out a blog post my friend and I wrote three years ago about the meaning of life. I could tell we are still confused about our lives, but now we both have a different view. He used to think there was an ultimate meaning of life for human being - god didn't create human being for nothing, they have to accomplish a goal or something, and he was trying to find that goal. I used to think the ultimate goal was to become true, kind and beautiful. I wrote again under that post, saying I'm still confused but I think I have better understanding of the world now. He replied that he now thought life didn't have a meaning, and we were born for nothing - we should find happiness and enjoy the happiness in our lives. He said he almost didn't know what his dream was any more. I felt so sad reading it that I almost cried. So I replied more and we started to discuss the Sisyphus pushing up a stone everyday for what. I think we both agreed that life is meaningless up to now. I just don't know what is happiness. I thought he meant eat sleep and stop thinking, which I couldn't accept. Then he said it could be anything that makes you happy, simple things, nature, emotions or thinking. Now I feel better - I even feel that he is right. For me, maybe, thinking makes me happy. Finding the meaning of life (Or rather, putting a meaning on this meaningless life) is a happy deed for me - that is something that makes my Sisyphus happy everyday pushing up the stone, rather than feeling miserable and hopeless. Hope. Ah, hope. I almost forget this word. I still have hope, at least now. I don't know what I'm hoping for, what I still believe in this world, in our lives, in the surprises and touching moment they bring us. Like what Andy said in Shawshank Redemption, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.
So I shall keep the hope and try to be happy more, to make this meaningless life not a punishment but a enjoyable journey.
One thing I learned of you from your decision to have this trip with your friends was how much you are willing to do things together with even someone you did not know much previously. Now I know for sure is what an exceptionally generous and tolerant person you are. So, I guess I have incorrectly thought of our friendship closer than it actually is – you are a nice person, not that you were nice to me in particular. It was a good reality check, though. It means that there still are a lot more to learn about you and a lot more things I can do to improve our friendship.
回复删除That exceptional quality of you, with my extraordinary past, probably made me look at myself through you, in a very unique way. Of course, neither of us intended or foresaw anything unusual in the beginning, but I should say that I benefitted a lot when it happened.
You made me realize how incomplete a person I was turning myself into consciously and unconsciously, by forgetting all the bad and sad memories. Thanks for giving me this unique surreal yet real mental time travel so that I can rediscover my lost years. Thanks for giving much comfort so that I can handle those sorrowful memories now. Thanks for your insightful thoughts and comments so that now I have courage to embrace those memories in my heart.
I left you a comment a couple of weeks ago in one of your posts. As I mentioned there, I just don’t want to have too many regrets. The only thing that is important to me is the people and animals I love. Life, death, being, or meanings or answers don’t mean much to me now. So, I’ll think about what other fun things I can do with you when you can spare some time for me.
There are two friends who I have a lot of regrets left in me – that Japanese friend, and my very first girl friend. I still have a chance to make up for my Japanese friend, but for the other friend, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. She was a friend at the elementary school we went together. On graduation, she told me that she liked me and gave me a pretty letter, asking me out. Even though I also liked her and her friends always teased me about her liking me, I was too shy and I never asked her out before. Only a few months later, however, my brother died. I was lost, and I lost her too. I never met or heard of her after that…
For my other best friends, I don’t have any regret, even though I no longer see them now, because I did my best to make the most of our friendship.
I envy you that you have many good friends. I feel very lucky that I became a friend to you. You are a beautiful soul.