I thought I didn't care any more

This is quite ironic. Three of my good friends were happily jumping up in front of the historical building in my hometown, while I - who used to be among them all the time - am browsing the photos alone in front of my slow computer in another country far far away.

Well, I thought I didn't care any more. The fact that I was leaving out, and will be leaving out, is scary. I couldn't imagine being with them. No. But if I really don't care that much, why would it matter? I try to imagine myself in the photo. Laughing out loudly and jumping up - it hurts. I probably will end up saying I don't feel well and I have to leave.

I could almost feel my tears when I saw the photos. You are still alive, and look, you are happy. I wouldn't want to see you again. I could pretend that I'm strong enough, but I'm not, so I'm just going to be hiding. One good thing about being grown up is that you can admit things that you've never admitted before.

Ah, the vulnerable human being! I hate it and yet the emotional aspect is the only reason that life is worth living.