Recently I realized that all I've wanted are illusions. It is cruel to realize that, and I'm still reluctant to accept this thought.
I love to read ancient stories in China, things that were so far away - both in time and location. I found them fascinating, and all of them make me wanting to go back to that time and location badly. When I know I couldn't go through time I put my focus into location. True, my parents and friends are there. True, I grew up there and lots of memories. But deep down in my heart, what I miss so much and want so much is the feeling of history. Thousands of years of history, philosophy - all kinds of them. I dreamed of boating in a river where it is so quiet, with willows and setting sun. I dreamed of the road covered in autumn leaves that were once walked by emperors thousand of years ago. I dreamed of browsing all the books in Chinese in a library and sit there the whole afternoon.
Then I realize that I dreamed so many things that are just the cream on top of the coffee. Deep down the life there, are grey skies, crowded everywhere and some people without mercy and gratitude. Am I really going to enjoy that part? Can I live with that part well, yet still chasing what I love that is in my dream? Would I become so busy at life and forget that I once dreamed so many things? Would I be so realistic that I forget who I am?
Ah, life is so short! I love this world and yet I feel so confused and conflicted. I don't care so much about life and death, at least for now - so I'm really at lost with Buddhism. But I like the philosophy after it - Causality, causality, causality. The mystery is going on, and I don't know when I will be settled in peace.
We will see, what life brings me, around the next corner.
To me, history was a pure joy. I really liked the rich stories written in both official and unofficial history books. I liked myths, especially those myths related to the beginning of ancient countries and to heroes and heroines. I also liked archeological discoveries and debates on human origins. I liked documentaries talking about prehistoric lives.
回复删除An unfortunate twist of fate forced me to dwell on more heavy topics of life and death, and religion for a long time during my young years. Then I had to live my busy and burdensome life.
For the past few weeks, I started to have sleeping problems. I woke up in the middle of night with no apparent reason, and then could not go back to sleep again. All kinds of thoughts were spinning around in my head. Thanks to you, those unsettling thoughts, questions about life and death, and painful memories were being brought back. I realized that I never had answers to those questions. I thought I outgrew them, but I never did. I had just long forgotten them. I was weary and tired, but strangely enough, I felt like I was alive again all of a sudden.
When I felt I was joyous and alive, I used to listen to this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLkZvsp62iU
Do you know why suddently I started to undust all these thoughts? That's because you reminded me of my young days so much...
回复删除I love the No.7 Symphony!! Especially the Mov. 2.
回复删除Is there something bothering you so you wake up in the night? Now I start to think about this, I feel like too many things don't have an answer. 10 years later I may still feel the same, or I may have forgotten that I care so many things that doesn't really matter to my daily life.
But still I feel like life is meaningless...When we think, we read, we sing, we start to put meanings into it and make it our life.
I do not know if life has any meaning in itself. If I think about it, it is probably you and I who give meaning to our lives, as you said.
回复删除What makes my life going is not any of my big dreams or ambition. Even though I have big dreams and ambitions, they are always behind my family and a small number of other people I care about. I'm not afraid of completely abandoning the dream I had for years just because of my family. They are the only reason for my being. I looked at other things, big things, big thoughts, big names, big fames, but it didn't take me long to ditch them and come back to my lovers and my relationship with them. When I think about my death, too, the only thing I will worry about is those I love, who I will leave behind.
I think by 90 I would safely and peacefully die, after taking care of my family business. When I become 90, you will be 75. You will be pretty seasoned and weathered by then, so I will not worry about you. Still, you will be the little kiddo of mine. I never met a kid like you before and I don't think I will meet another one like you again. You are pretty unique. That is another meaningful enough meaning to my life.