Lonely Holiday

Why? Some people love holiday and some people hate holiday, just like me at this moment. I was depressed tonight. I tried not to think about the question of where to spend my 4 day holiday for Christmas, but then just like usual I failed again. I was supposed to read some nice pages and learn something new, but instead I just whined and looked at my parents happily talking at the other end of the videocam. I felt helpless for the vulnerability of human. It's so hard to treat a holiday non-special and it's so hard to just stay at home and doing nothing for a holiday. Especially if you have already done so many times for so many holidays during the past year. Especially everyone has a home to go to and a family to get together with.

What happened to me? I'm suppose to think less and decide quick. I'm not supposed to deal with my own melancholy.

It's cold here at night. November is passing by and it seems that I forget some B-day wishes to some family and friends, as usual. When life becomes busy, remembering birthday is no longer checked on top of the calendar. December is bad. Now I hate December, just one more reason.

I need to go to bed.

It's all about people

Yesterday I read a case about four seasons hotel. They treat their employee really well and look at them as customer. Happy employee makes happy customers. I think it's not only true in service industry but also everywhere. For the past two days I have been spending time with manufacturing workers in the production floor. I have realized that quality starts from people. If you are proud of what you are doing, happy at what you are making then you are not just doing your job, but enjoying it at the same time. It's almost like turning a piece of repetitive and dull work into a piece of art. Invest in people, that's the wise choice.

Winter Afternoon

It starts to feel like winter days now. During weekdays when I get off work it's dark outside, and the orange headlights fade into the darkness from the cars passing by. When I'm sitting here in this cold, cloudy Saturday afternoon I feel particularly cozy and melancholy.

It always finds its way with some pieces of quiet music and a story with tickling tears, a bit sorrow. I'm confined in a small world and my life is like a lake. Occasionally rains and streams and the water from the snowy mountains will come to you. They chatter, they dance, they sing an unknown song. Those happiness and sorrow merge into your body, yet since you are vast,  so people - even yourself cannot tell a difference. But you are changed. If you are salty the fish will die and eventually you will become barren. If you are crystal clear the fish will die too as they need things to live on and at last you find your substance meaningless. Ah, meaningless. Yesterday I said to a friend that the worst thing I can imagine that happens to me is that I am so busy that I have no time to think. If I lose the ability to think then I won't feel anything. But if I still am alive, I still feel things then it must be cruel to not have time to think.

Huh, as if I think, I know the meaning.

Vulnerable. Fragile. Dreamy. That is human. I feel all your pain. I dare not to be the ocean, fearless and looking different every moment. All I can do is to be there and let your tears blended into mine, look up into the sky at night and humming you a lullaby. If I were to be stabbed at heart, I shall feel pain but I shall grow on my sorrow, until the whirl peaces out and I shall forgive.

I saw the postman getting off the car. I saw them coming near and knock the door. I saw them coming, just like a year ago when I sat by this very same window. Laughter and screams startled me from the living room. It almost feel like spring festival time now.

There's a certain slant of light - Emily Dickinson

There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.

Happy Birthday Mom

I wish you a happy birthday, mommy. If I was ever mad at you, if I ever broke your heart and made you cry - please forgive me. As I will always be your baby. I know I grew up with your laughter and tears, worries and wishes - and I am very proud to be your daughter.

I will not be me, without you.