Why? Some people love holiday and some people hate holiday, just like me at this moment. I was depressed tonight. I tried not to think about the question of where to spend my 4 day holiday for Christmas, but then just like usual I failed again. I was supposed to read some nice pages and learn something new, but instead I just whined and looked at my parents happily talking at the other end of the videocam. I felt helpless for the vulnerability of human. It's so hard to treat a holiday non-special and it's so hard to just stay at home and doing nothing for a holiday. Especially if you have already done so many times for so many holidays during the past year. Especially everyone has a home to go to and a family to get together with.
What happened to me? I'm suppose to think less and decide quick. I'm not supposed to deal with my own melancholy.
It's cold here at night. November is passing by and it seems that I forget some B-day wishes to some family and friends, as usual. When life becomes busy, remembering birthday is no longer checked on top of the calendar. December is bad. Now I hate December, just one more reason.
I need to go to bed.
When I got married, I was 24 and my wife was 22, which were considered very young ages. Most people I know did not get married until in their thirties, or even forties. That probably means you are doomed to be lonely for another 10 years? Haha, I am just kidding.
回复删除You really are an attractive, beautiful young woman. Maybe what you need right now is a lover? Or the man you are in love hasn’t found you yet? As soon as you open up a little bit, lot of guys will stock around you like bees flying around a sweet flower, I’m sure.
One day, perhaps pretty soon, you will start dating someone, get married, have a baby, and move on to your family life. I will be extremely happy to see you grow older and happier, but at the same time I will be sad because I will have fewer and fewer chances to see you. You know, when a daughter brings her fiancé to the family, the father gets very jealous to him. I will be the second most jealous person after your dad.
I love you very much, only not in a way that you need at this particular moment. Love is… something that makes me want to do anything for you (whether I can actually do it or not). I care about you deeply.
Ah, love is one thing I don’t really know anything about. Sorry, I cannot give you any advice. Love has just come and gone like wind, without anything to do with my will. I once felt love even when I had a very stable family life. I love my wife and my kids like nothing else in the world. However, one day, she just came into my life, and on another day, I found myself completely occupied with thoughts about her. Why do I have such a feeling? I wasn’t even looking for someone!
I am feeling guilty. I used to live somewhat like a soulless machine. All I did was just to look straight ahead and fight for survival day by day. I did not even have time to look around, or to look back. Then, mysteriously you appeared in front of me and you mirrored myself like I was completely naked. My forgotten memories uncovered, and came to a realization: I forgot all this because I was hurting so much! However, once my deep wounds and pains were exposed again, I began to see the possibilities of healing. I am so grateful to you for all this. I feel so powerless for not being able to give you any hand when you feel pains, when you are alone. All I can do is to feel with you the sorrows and loneliness that fills you up. My hand is gently patting your back. Hush, hush, little girl…
That's always the thought before holiday when everyone is not lonely, you feel the solitude. Especially away from home so far. As for lover, I'm so contradictory that I want to have a lover but I'm so afraid to get hurt.
回复删除Maybe another ten years I will be settled down and when I look back I will smile. I decide to enjoy the solitude.
If you think about it you are very lucky. Though sometimes you feel life is not being fair, but it is. You love your family and your love carries you on. You cherish what you have and you are caring and loving deep down. I see warmness in you and make me feel the world is a better place. A place I can forget about all its sins.
See, I always think there is a reason for us to exist in this world. That is truth, kindness and beauty. Our loving towards these make us here. I don't have to have a lot of money, fame and be unsatisfied and greedy. I don't want myself to being a person like that. I will always remind myself of the reasons of my existence.
I love to listen to cello recently. Thank you for your music last time they are all very good and I enjoy listening to them.
Deep down I feel I'm different than many of my friends who talk about reality too much. I am idealistic and I'd like to keep it that way in a corner of my heart, so that I won't forget that I used to be feeling and understanding the world each minute.
Now I feel much better. At least I have friends like you that understand my pain. It really doesn't have to be very complicated - a piece of good music, a paragraph from a book, or simply with your eyes closed. Forget the social definition of holiday, and celebrate it with a good laugh. Maybe this year I will get lucky again if my aunts family is not going anywhere:p
Enjoy this cloudy and rainy Sunday my friend, dust your heart till its mirroring the unique you from the beginning of eternity. Be happy and be contented. Thinking and loving your way to make each day a whole new journey.
Are you already back from school? I'm not sure you will see this tonight, but...
回复删除Ace the test and presentation! Way to go, girl!
From the first music you gave me, I noticed that you included quite a few cello pieces. Joe Hisaishi's 'Two of Us' made even a guy like me in tears. I thought the end was too tragic. Cello resonates deep.
Tonight, though, I want you to be a beautiful, elegant swan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWtu5os9lFc
And sleep like a princess in a fairy tale.