It always finds its way with some pieces of quiet music and a story with tickling tears, a bit sorrow. I'm confined in a small world and my life is like a lake. Occasionally rains and streams and the water from the snowy mountains will come to you. They chatter, they dance, they sing an unknown song. Those happiness and sorrow merge into your body, yet since you are vast, so people - even yourself cannot tell a difference. But you are changed. If you are salty the fish will die and eventually you will become barren. If you are crystal clear the fish will die too as they need things to live on and at last you find your substance meaningless. Ah, meaningless. Yesterday I said to a friend that the worst thing I can imagine that happens to me is that I am so busy that I have no time to think. If I lose the ability to think then I won't feel anything. But if I still am alive, I still feel things then it must be cruel to not have time to think.
Huh, as if I think, I know the meaning.
Vulnerable. Fragile. Dreamy. That is human. I feel all your pain. I dare not to be the ocean, fearless and looking different every moment. All I can do is to be there and let your tears blended into mine, look up into the sky at night and humming you a lullaby. If I were to be stabbed at heart, I shall feel pain but I shall grow on my sorrow, until the whirl peaces out and I shall forgive.
I saw the postman getting off the car. I saw them coming near and knock the door. I saw them coming, just like a year ago when I sat by this very same window. Laughter and screams startled me from the living room. It almost feel like spring festival time now.
There's a certain slant of light - Emily Dickinson
There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.
Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.
None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.
When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.
It is a cold, rainy day, but my heart is warm. I finally find peace in me. Travel to the country you were born and grew up in. All of a sudden, this country becomes interesting. Tears from my little son, Daddy why do you have to go there? He is growing up, as he now knows the sadness of saying goodbye. My friend is saying, I will wait for you at the airport whenever you can come. Once I tried to cut all the relationship with people I knew. Unbearably lonely and dangerously pessimistic. All my meanings of existence are in the ties with them. Too much thinking wasn't helpful.
回复删除http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSXjByiG0nI
Wow how could you access this blog there? I thought they blocked it. The song you posted is so sad... I feel chilly listening to it - just right for a snowy scene. Too bad it never snow in California.
回复删除I agree, thinking too much is not helpful. In fact, I was sitting here in my desk being blue this evening as I learned many of my friends are having babies and this sort of "die alone" thing were haunting a little bit around me.
Sometimes I try to think, what is called "get a life".
I need to think of a place to spend my Christmas.
I was surprised myself that I could access blogspot and even YouTube! But that was the luck I had only the first day. For the rest of the week, I was completely blocked.
回复删除Music is merely a reflection of our mind, I guess. I heard warmness, but you felt chill. I forgot that I still have some calibration problem as far as music goes. My normal mood music is like heart-crushing music to most people, lol.
I see you are full of life, much more than any other people I know. As you said, enjoy your solitude. When I first came here, I had no relative or friend here, and I felt lonely for years.
You know, you are not alone. I feel sad if you say that. There is a poem:
"...The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you"
I am with you.