Saturday morning. It feels like spring, sunny but not too bright. It's like seeing through the world from a bridal's veil - soft, creamy, and vague. Pleasant - yes, but somehow a little upset is in the air, like hundreds of thousands of dust particles dancing in the slant of light.
I have a wedding to attend today. Yes, a wedding. My head is swirling up and somehow I feel like I just got the news. But I had accepted the news, or rather, someone accepted it for me.
“Mom”, I yelled, “who’s invited among my friends?”
Mom is busy doing her stuff, as usual. “Just Amy and her mother.” She yelled back.
“What? Only? That’s --” I paused, then I mumbled slowly - “not fair…”
No one replies. Nobody ever cares they are all busy. I start to think who wrote all the invitation cards – they must be pretty and are all red and gold with flowers - most importantly, with my name on it.
And his.
Yes, him. The thinking of him makes me uneasy. Whenever I think of him, he is always smiling mildly. The smile is calm and kind, but it drives me crazy – the emotionless, endless calm and kindness drive me to an extreme of explosion almost. I’m like a balloon that is weightless, single string attached, and anxious for an answer about my future. Up in the air, my rosy cheeks are turning pale – ah, the scarcity of air.
When I stand next to him, I think about whether my string should be wrapped around this guy. It doesn’t feel right. Something is wrong. But I am tired and numb, so I just try to refocus on something else. Like who else is invited. Relatives, friends, family members from both sides.
The wedding is approaching. The light is shifting gear, maybe it’s almost noon. I’m together with him, exchanging questions and answers about trivial issues that could happen during the wedding. I’m nervous and strangely, sad. I don’t feel excited at all, and I keep thinking how many people will get the invitation and arrive soon. All I think is that it’s too late to call off the wedding.
Imagine the happiness of all my friends and family members when they get the invitation. Imagine they will hurrily pick up their beautiful clothes and grab a taxi to come here. Imagine how to inform them I’m going to call it off. Imagine their faces when they hear the news that the wedding is going to be cancelled. I would hide myself somewhere. I would be so afraid to see them disappointed, so afraid.
Maybe I’m just a coward. The destiny was already written there for me, and someone other than me has already accepted it for me. All I need to do is to show up, and – to live with him for the rest of my life?
I chilled.
Slowly, I turn to him and ask the question that I have been thinking so long and wanting so long to be answered:
Do you love me?
He turned his eyes at me. He is smiling again. It’s like a pond with dead water, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t make a ripple out of it.
“To hear the truth?” He is still smiling. “Sure”, I didn’t even give it a thought. I have been asking for this a million times in my heart already.
“Not any more.” He said, the voice of him calm and casual, like he is talking about the weather today.
Ah. I almost felt relief. I know what I’m going to do – I’m going to call it off. I do not and absolutely don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him, just for fear of cancelling a wedding and causing trouble to people who attend it. Seriously, I was even going to do the wedding, just for sake of all these people someone else has invited. But the repulsion of a guy that doesn’t love me anymore, and the hope that I have towards myself have helped me getting over it. Get it over, I’m calling it off.
Mom was disappointed. Some of my friends understood, some of them got angry by the last minute call. I was watching people come with presents, sit, stand up and go. It feels like afternoon already. Not too hot, not too bright – everything is showered in the creamy soft air.
He seems fine, somewhat relieved too, but he doesn’t show much of a feeling at all. Finally I asked, what happened? Why are we getting married, and when did you get over me?
So many questions. He didn’t show a trace of impatience. That’s why I hate him, he doesn’t even care. “Grandma saw us together so long so she just proposed that we get married”, he said, “I couldn’t think of a reason not to, so.”
Ok, that makes sense. What about the timeline you got over me? I say to myself.
“About one month”, he thought for a second and casually said. “I got used to the way we are together, and lost interest.”
This feels like a humiliation. But I’m too slow to react in words. I didn’t say anything. Whole wheat bread, plain yogurt and water bottle. That’s the way I present to you. What about you? A mild smile. Forever kind look in the eye. Mr. Right in every other people’s mind. Good bye. I feel I’m rising up to the sky, little by little rising up, swaying and aloof – it almost feels like I’m the balloon again and someone cut me loose. I don’t know what happened, but I feel, somehow better.
I opened my eyes. It was a weird dream. Yet I felt relieved. Maybe I got the answer that I’ve been asking so long. The bridal’s veil is gone, with all the creamy and soft air. What a Spring day today! The weather is just lovely. I climb out of the bed and start getting ready for another typical workday.
